do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
