I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
