the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
