Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
