I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
