I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
