i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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