new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sarcasm needs its own font
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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