i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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