I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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