I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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