he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
