a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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