Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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