I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
