We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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