when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
