I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
