I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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