So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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