I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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