I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
