A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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