why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is Oprah even human
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
