Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
