I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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