Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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