somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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