New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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