My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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