My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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