I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
