I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize