just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
