Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
