her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
