the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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