At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
