Where is the hickey?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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