hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
