I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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