During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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