i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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