I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
