Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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