All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
