when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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