Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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