My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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