My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
