I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
