She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
