The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
