did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They are going to name an STD after you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
