omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
