I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
