I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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