i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
