You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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